Ever hear of a person who looks at themselves in the mirror and thinks, “I am FAT!!” and so they do whatever it takes to not be fat? Yet, in reality they are skinny. So sickly skinny. I knew I was fat. But, it was not until my husband so cautiously clued me into it – I am SERIOUSLY FAT. All this time I saw someone skinner in the mirror. I saw myself as “overweight” and always knew I needed to get rid of it… but, I never knew how fat I really was.

It hurts.

I have done diets in the past. They work – for the most part. I did the HcG diet, I lost 20lbs in a couple of weeks. I’ve been exercising and all that crap and trying to eat better lately. I’ve lost a couple of pounds. Awhile back I only ate rice…. admittedly, I lost 5 pounds in the few weeks that I was on a rice and water only diet.

But, now… Now I know how hideously fat I truly am. Now, I know why I most likely lost the only friend I’ve given a shit about in a long time. Now I know why my husband basically avoids me and everything about me most of the time.

I. Am. Fat. I am totally fat.

Today… Right now… I do something about it. More than I have ever done. More than I ever wanted to do. Today I start something that I always thought was stupid. Today I do something and knowingly understand the consequences for doing such a thing. Yet, I find it compelling. I find it worth it. I find it worthy of me. I want this, I will do this and I will succeed.

Everything I do, everything I say, my husband is somehow able to attribute to the fact that I am fat. Damn near everything.

I started the Rice diet because I suddenly grew an extreme hatred for food. Everything about it. It wasn’t actually a diet. I just hated food. But, the rice was okay, it took away the hunger pangs, and made me feel better about “not eating”. However, everything in me… everything says it now – I hate food. I hate what it does to my body. I hate it. I am done. Like a bad habit. I won’t endure this anymore. I can’t. I don’t want to. I won’t.

Today I quit food.

It’s been one of those days weeks months. I don’t think it is depression. I just feel something is totally off. I suppose it can relate to my situation. Yes, I admit to a periodical bout of situational depression. It has occurred in the past. I am prone to such emotional pinnacles in life. I dare not allow one to believe I am bipolar. I’m not. These spells of depression only occur under extremely stressful circumstances and I’ve never met a high. But, I wish to redirect to what I said before. I do not believe I am depressed. Something is just off.

I say “something” yet, I know what it is. There is just a problem. I have been used. The worst part is, this user doesn’t even have the gonads to admit to it. I can so easily cut a person from my life – a practice I’ve learned at a young age. But, I am unable to handle the emotional backlash of things left unsaid. Adoration turns to annoyance, annoyance turns to sadness. Finally sadness turns to rage. You think to yourself, “What did I do so horribly to a person to deserve this reaction?”

Then again, maybe I wasn’t used. More like paid off as though I were some cheap prostitute. Buy my time with a trinket here or there. Haha.

If you tell someone you want to be their friend, don’t end up being a complete jackass loser who only used them long enough to feel comfortable in your own shoes and then disappear on them like the friendship never existed. It is quite rude.

Update: 13, April 2012
So, I finally gave up. Well, I did like about two weeks ago really. I give up to the point that this so called friend just doesn’t matter in the least anymore. If they want to lose me as a friend for no clear reason, by all means… You were not worth my time anyway. Eventually, they will fade away completely. Thanks for the short-lived company!

I know it might seem as though I am writing about the end of the world; my world. But, truthfully, I am not. As of right now, I do not actually have any medical condition that is life threatening. That is not to say that it has not been the case in the past, but as of right now, I am plagued by medical problems, yet none serious enough to off me.

I just think about things too much. The worst part of the majority of my problems is that they all seem to point to one of the scariest things in the world for me (aside from death via suffocation or drowning); infertility. As a person who so badly wants children, more children, it’s painful to think that my body is slowly working against me. To be “emo”, I’ll just say it how I sometimes feel – something out there hates me and wants to destroy my dreams.

I wouldn’t expect most to understand these feelings. I also want to say I do count my blessings. I have more children already than what many women who want children are able to have. So, I guess in a small way I am being greedy. But, the point stands: I want children and there is a ticking time-bomb inside my body getting ready to explode all my chances at this. The logical thing would be to start trying for another baby now. I am nearing 30, I have so many medical complications making each moment I wait to try a bit more difficult for me to have another baby. However, I have to put the family I already have ahead of my desires. I have student loans to pay off. Student loans that only I acquired and it’s only right that I alone pay them off. Even if I think my husband’s a bit of a jerk for not going half and half with me for childcare, I also have to pay for that out of my own personal income. Considering I want to pay off my loans as quickly as possible, the money I make past childcare, every cent of it, will be applied to my student loans. Which means, I cannot afford to have another child right now. I cannot afford the downtime 8-9 months down the road and I cannot afford two children in daycare. Already I am looking at $800 a month in childcare for one – I could not afford double that.

The other heartache this brings me is that I truly wanted a child close to my youngest sons age. I want to children close in age. Well, that is not going to happen now, no matter what. It almost did… almost… But, that turned out badly. So, I guess what I am saying now is that I want two more children, I want them close in age. God help me, I don’t know if that is even possible now.

I know, I am a nutcase. But, a part of my dream is rapidly slipping away from me and it hurts so much. A few years ago, if someone had told me they felt this way, I probably would have thought they were nuts. I hate my body.

MY BODY HATES ME.

I do not maintain a single instance of my loops to infinity. I hold several of them. In fact, I have a giant loop – my brain. This loop has become an international highway for all my little loops to travel around. Back and forth, over and over, through and through, up and over. They follow this same path, this same crazy figure 8. Never actually starting, never to finish. My fears, my worries, my regrets… all of them constantly looping around in my head. Resurfacing over and over. It’s making my loopy!

I dare not look up my symptoms online. The first time I looked up symptoms was in this giant medical reference book my grandmother had. So, there I was, 9 years old, looking into why I feel so sick. I had the flu… But, my crazy-brained virgin-self (yes it’s relevant) with no history of drug usage or blood transfusions had fully begun to believe there was a possibility I had HIV. With no-intention of being racist, I had come to the conclusion, that the black girl I had bit during a typical playground fight, (yes I bit her til she bled – what do you expect? She was like 3 times my size!!!) must have had AIDS/HIV and I got it from biting her. I was terrified to inform my grandma that I had HIV. I did some research and did everything I possibly could for the next two weeks to prevent spreading my HIV to other members of my family. Then, my Flu illness finally went away. What a relief. I guess it was not HIV after all.

But, that fear never actually left me. When I started my period only shortly afterwards, I was taken for my first female check-up. They drew blood, took samples and all that. Get this? The doctor tells me that the samples are to test against STDs. Well, HIV is an STD! My fears resurfaced. Al I could suddenly think was, “Oh no, what if I DO have HIV and my grandma finds out when the test results come back?” Of course, test results came back negative. But, this event in my life has scarred me for an eternity. I am not and never have been promiscuous. I am not a whore, have had very, very few sleeping partners for someone my age (on a statistical level). I am cautious as a person can be. I’ve still yet to have a blood transfusion or use drugs that put me at risk for HIV/AIDS (I don’t use drugs at all, BUT, I mean I ain’t around shooting up cocaine, and don’t need the “Marijuana Supports” out there getting all pissy if I just said drugs in a general sense.)

Even with all of this, and the fact that I have had STD tests performed on myself more times than I can remember since around age 10 (I believe ALL people should have routine screening, there are other ways rather than just sex to contract a lot of the serious STD’s out there!!!), I still fear the test results. Every. Single. Time. Every time I get that call, my heart races, palms sweaty. Why? I KNOW I do not have HIV/AIDS or any other STD. So why did this experience as a child traumatize me so greatly? Why do I carry around this insane fear of being told I have HIV or AIDS? I don’t think it will ever go away. I know I am STD free, and will probably stay that way for the rest of my life. Probably…? You never really know what is going to happen to you one day to the next. I cannot be sure of my future. I do not what others are capable of… Scary thought but, imagine, for anyone, heck a celibate nun, still has the chance of a terrible thing happening… I cannot be certain of my future. No one can.

MY MIND TERRIFIES ME

I spent my 21st birthday buying $300 worth of alcohol, to which I actually gave more than 90% of it away to friends because I didn’t actually want it. And, my grandma and I headed over to the corner 7-11 to gamble. I won $200 at a nickel slot so, it was a good day!

But, let’s head back over the topic on hand. Tattoos. I was 18 when I got my first tattoo, and I was 18 when I got my last. I did not THINK about it at the time, I just wanted to do it. I was at least smart enough to decide I did not want it in a place that was easily seen by the public eye. At the time, I’d never heard of the term “tramp-stamp”. Nope, not a clue what that was at all. So, I told the tattooist that I had wanted the tattoo someplace that was not going to be seen. After discussing various types of clothing, he told me that the only logical place to put it would be my lower back, my breasts or stomach. Stomach? God no! What a silly place to have a tattoo! Breast? That sounds painful and ridiculous! So my lower back it was. It was not until about 7 years later that I had first heard the term “tramp-stamp” and have to admit it is almost embarrassing that I have one. But, aside from being naked or wearing a bikini, you’d never know I had one.

Thankfully, it’s not some crazy tribal or heart-laced tribal or…. well, anything like that. It’s a (now faded) purple butterfly. A symbol of my love for those beautiful creatures. Yeah, I am weird. Hello Kitty and Butterflies. The color purple and the color pink. (Gift ideas )

There is always some debate on whether or not a person should be judged based on their appearance. Well, I want to say, yes, they should be. You can be the smartest man alive, but you’re still dumb as shit if you think it’s wise to cover your face, arms, legs and other body parts in ink. You can be the nicest woman in the world, but working at a daycare is going to scare and scar young children who have to see your face inked to look like a damn cheetah. People will find you appalling. They will judge you. They may be too nervous to even consider you depending on the severity of your tattoos. Would I hire someone to babysit my children if they are covered in gang symbols? No. I won’t.

Also, it’s your body. This is true. But, please think wisely about what you are about to do. There are some amazing tattoo artists out there. But, it’s extremely hard to ink a persons face onto your body. Next thing you know, your child or wife looks like something out of a horror movie. Just avoid it.

Also, if you did not graduate high school and/or especially if you received poor grades in English subjects, please refer to Webster before you start having words drawn onto your body. I am not sure if some artists are stupid, assholes, or a combination of both. But when you want a tattoo, by god make sure it’s SPELLED CORRECTLY.

Leave your face alone. I won’t even get into that. Leave it alone. Just… do not go there.

Don’t have your boyfriend or girlfriends name tattooed on your body. If you decide you want to do this consider this first; either you will pay good money to have it removed one day, you will have to pay good money to have another tattoo placed over it, you will have an extremely angry and always jealous future girlfriend(s) or you will be stuck seeking girls who are only named Jessica. If you want a name done so badly, then go for a pet name or a nick name. If you enjoy calling your girlfriend/boyfriend “Pumpkin” do that instead. Then when the next mate comes along and says, “Pumpkin??” you can easily lie and say something like, “It was my dog. I miss her.” or “Yeah, I fucking LOVE pumpkins, they are badass!”

Treat logos and cartoon characters like they are the plague. How many idiots I’ve met with a Taz tattoo? A few. Idiots. Nike swish on your head? Why? People get paid to wear that logo, you’re advertising for free. Seems stupid as hell. Apple logo? …….. won’t touch it.

My final note is this. You have a right to do what you want to your body. It’s YOUR body. But you probably will end up regretting certain things later in life. In fact, it’s a guarantee. You WILL regret things you did do and things you did not do. Getting a giant tattoo of Elmo across your stomach when you’re old, fat and wrinkly? Yes. You WILL regret that.

I do have to state that the focus on what the military spends has given everyone a chance to put down the military. We hear more about the cost of our wars than we do anything else right now. For these wars or against them, you know what we have spent and you know what we are spending if you have ANY access to media outlets.

As a military wife and also someone with a certain amount of financial intelligence, I have mixed feelings on this topic. I do not know yet how my family will be affected by the reductions. While I do have a sense of security given my husband’s job in the Air Force, his upstanding behavior, and his diligence, you can never be certain what they plan on cutting next.

That said, I may not have the same fears that many families are having at this very moment. Yet, I am able to relate and sympathize. For families of the military this is a terrifying moment. The non-essential members of the military will be leaving. That is to say, people that will just no longer have a job to do. I counter my condolences with the fact that it is not fair to our country and our tax dollars to continue to employ people that have nothing to do. The military has always did its best to employ minimal amounts of people yet still maximize its capabilities. So, you have to consider that even cross-training is an unlikely scenario for these members. Most positions are full. And the ones that are not, will be given to those most qualified to take them. We are talking about cutting over 90,000 jobs right now. That will be 90,000 people to add to our list of unemployed people. It’s a little scary, especially in a time where jobs are harder to come by.

However, this is not meant to be a free ride. And fuck anyone who has ever called it that. A military member serves their country and in return are rewarded. Their rewards? A paycheck, seeing the world, great medical benefits. They are not given these things for free. The spend time in places that change their lives forever; good or bad. They are away from their parents, their spouses, their children, their friends and their country. They are wounded and killed. When they are home, they work as well. Everyone has a job to do at home and wherever the military takes them. The jobs at home directly relate to and support their mission and the missions within the military. Even those “desk jobs” are more important than some people realize. My husband gets to work by 7 (leaves between 5:30 and 6 in the morning sometimes) and comes home between 6 and 7 at night. His entire day consists of scheduling flights and ensuring mission readiness. I admit not ALL jobs are important — I mean, come on, some projects are started and after having spent millions of dollars on them are scrapped before they are finished. But, eh? This is any company or business. Not the point. But, when we are not deploying as heavily, why do we need this many people? There will be no need for certain people and certain jobs and that is just HARD TRUTH. We need to cut down on spending when we don’t NEED to spend the money. This is a common occurrence in the military. I am sorry. It happens every time we start a war – we recruit. And every time we end a war – let excess go.

All of that aside, I do not believe that people are unemployed because there are no jobs (except maybe in Michigan, heh). People are unemployed because they don’t TRY hard enough. If you were/are in the military, by God I hope you had enough common sense to get an education. In most cases it’s not hard to earn your Bachelors degree during your 4-6 years of service. All it takes is commitment. Especially considering through training you almost earn your associates degree alone. There are several on-base classes depending on your location, as well as military friendly and military trusted online colleges. Earning your degree WILL give you 1up on getting a job outside of the service. Even if you have to get a job at McDonalds, it’s better than NOTHING. Get a job, wherever you can, and then search for something better. But, do not complain there is nothing for you, because there is. If you’ve deployed, welcome to Veteran status. This means that you are given Veteran preference in Civilian Military jobs. With the “Hire 100,000″, you are also looking at companies that WANT you, even if it is for greedy purposes. There ARE jobs. And stay-at-home spouses? Get a job too if you have to! Remember, your husband/wife supported you while deploying and being sent all over the world. Now it is your turn to help your husband or wife!

Call me a cruel bitch, do what you must, but know this…. Life is not as hard as some people make it. Life is only as hard as you let it be. Sure there may be sudden changes in your life; family member’s death, a new life, a lost job and even being forced out of the military. But, that is NOT the end of the world. Yes, it will be stressful, however, this is just another military related obstacle that you will have to overcome. You’ve been strong so far, now it’s time to be strong again!

For me, most of these sites are military related… in some sense. I am after all a military spouse. It keeps me in the loop and gives me something to discuss with my husband once in awhile. I am, when all is said and done, a woman. And as a woman, I cannot help but point out things that are probably better left unpointed-out. So I try to pretend my husband actually cares when I am telling him all about “This woman, she actually did THIS, how stupid of her… and these other women??? They are saying she should do that and she is probably listening to them RIGHT NOW, and whoosh, there goes THAT chicks marriage.”

I am also big on OPSEC. Which is why when I read this in conjunction with another story recently posted on an “ask  Ms. Vicki” forum, it really got me thinking.

First, the post I had read (which I cannot find the link to at the moment) was about a woman who had met a soldier online. He sweet talked her and they began an online relationship. He would send her pictures of himself and said he was currently deployed. She wanted to talk to him on the phone and he told her that she had to have permission to contact him, and made her send copies of certain documents to a random email address, claiming it was governmental. These documents included a copy of her I.D., Passport and Social Security card (IIRC). The woman was dumb enough to send it. WHO DOES THAT!? Anyhow, he eventually started asking for money, a lot of money, to help him with pay off his ex-wife. It finally dawned on her that he might be lying. WHAT IN THE WORLD, LADY!?

Anyhow, awhile back there was a debate on banning social sites, such as Facebook, from military usage. When it was decided it would not happen, they did something I found appalling; they let employees access these sites while at work. Whaaaaat? Yeah, I know, stupid and stupid.

Apparently, these scams are popping up all over. They are in-line with the good old “Send me your bank account information and $600,000.00; cash and you can claim the $5 million that is sitting in an off-shore account that once belonged to the King of Jimbobwooloo.” So, these people are popping on to social networking sites, like Facebook, and stealing information on various U.S. military personal. Photo’s, names, you name it. They then claim to be this person and meet women and/or men on various other sites and forums and chat rooms and make elaborate stories up and lead people on, creating relationships with them in hopes of obtaining information to most likely use for identity theft.

I am not against online relationships and am not against helping out your online friends. But, I am against people who are old enough to know better being stupid enough to fall for this crap.

Even worse, I am starting to think that perhaps Social Networking websites should be restricted. Yeah, yeah, I know… It’s against freedom of…. Social Networking?? So, because I doubt that the military will ever ban Social Networking sites like Facebook from U.S. military members use… I do wish that military members would be a bit more cautious. This poor sod out there has his information hijacked and used to scam some poor desperate lady out of HER information.

I think I am nearly done with Facebook, myself. I intend on removing my Facebook in the near future. I also fully plan on watermarking all of my photos to reflect the website they come from. That way, I don’t find out that my husband has turned into some Arab prick scamming little desperate ladies. What a shock it would be to find out that my husband owes me alimony and cannot afford to pay me off! Heh.

It’s time to start protecting ourselves, people! Let’s do it!

2. Total lack of common sense. If we were animals without an intelligent thought process, you’d be the first to go. Sometimes, I wish it were the case! And please avoid feigning ignorance because:

3. Ignorant/Stupid people. Unless you have a good reason, you have no reason with me. If you don’t know or understand something, take some initiative to understand and know it. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.

4. Close-minded persons. I may never support the things I oppose, but that does not make me close-minded. If you’re out to simply put down others with different opinions, beliefs and views, please steer clear of me. I don’t have time for you. At least make an attempt at understanding one another, you do not have to believe as another does, but do not put them down, dislike them or breed stupidity and hatred simply because you do not feel as they do. Keep an open-mind to the world around you, it may surprise you.

5. Unwarranted Entitlement. Being a King’s brother does not make you King. Just because you CAN get it for free does not mean you deserve to get it for free. Just because you found it, does not mean you should get to keep it, or be paid to give it back to its rightful owner. This list can go on forever but, I hope you get the point.
 

There are quite a few people I know who fit into these categories. And as much as I would LOVE to call them out, I cannot bring myself to do it. I suppose it is partially because I believe myself to be above that. I am also not one for conflict. But, the biggest reason I am unable to, regardless of how much I wish I could, is because I don’t like to hurt people.

However, do not believe me to be scared of it. All it takes it pushing me a little too hard! Still, I want to just reflect on my first reason… I am above that. However, I am sure that people who fall into these 5 categories know who they are. Only a stupid person would speak out about it. Which, there are a few of them.

And he is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! Mother and baby are both healthy and fine. There was a bit of a struggle to bring this baby into the world. After 18 hours of induced labor, he was finally taken via c-section. Mommy was preeclampsia, so Andre was taken to NICU to monitor his health for a bit. The tubes (seen in the picture below) was simply a precaution. They scared me at first — I have never seen I.V. tubes in a baby’s head before. But, that is all they are; I.V. tubes in case they needed to administer him anything while he was in NICU.

Many people argue that she had gone to extreme lengths to feminize her son, allowing him to wear a pink bikini but not allowing him to wear shirts that scream “I’m a boy!” such as ones with skulls on them. Granted, I don’t like shirts with skulls on them on either of my boys, but that was only one of the few clearly defined types of masculine clothing banned by the boy’s parents.

Others argue that it’s an experiment set by the boy’s parents. Some argue it is setting the child up for loads of ridicule in the future. Teasing and taunting by his peers while the boy is sent to school in his uniform half boy, half girl.

I personally sort of understand the parents meaning behind this. However, I still do not agree with the length’s these parents are taking to allow the child his own identity.

My own son is allowed to play with whatever toys he wishes to play with. He has dolls and he has cars, he has a kitchen set loaded with play food and a tool bench loaded with tools. He loves them all equally. When he is at his friends house, he gladly plays with her “feminine” toys and she doesn’t seem to mind playing with his “masculine” toys. In fact, he REALLY wants one of those Playhouses, my husband and I have been trying to find one similar to his friends, because he likes that one. No luck still. Hoping on a garage sale find one of these days.

My son LOVES Dora the Explorer. (He is also very fond of Go, Diego Go!) When he turned two, he need a new pair of shoes. Off to Target we went. I allow him a lot of say in the things he gets. Clothes, Toys and even shoes. However, the pair of shoes he wanted the most were a pair of pink Dora the Explorer shoes. I am sorry, he does not know what genderization is. But, I could not bring myself to buy them for him, even though I wanted to – just to please him! So I showed him all of the boys shoes and he ended up picking a pair that lit up. He was content with that. So, we walked to the toy isle and I got him a Dora toy. Problem solved!

As screwed up as it may be, we have a set of standard norms in our society. Of course things always change over time, else I’d be sitting here writing this in a Poodle Skirt, although, I don’t think I’d mind that actually. It’s also different for boys than it is girls. Girls are given much less thought when they are seen running around dressed like a boy. But to see a boy running around in a dress? It does not bode well for that child.

I also want to express that these parents are not so much allowing their child freedom of choice (as his choices are limited by *banned* items), but more forcing him into a life of feminism. There is a very strong difference there. As an example, a woman that I had once lived near had the most adorable little boy I’d ever seen, except he was a she. Admittedly, at first thought I was appalled by this situation. So were others. I never actually got the chance to get to know this family before I moved, but I was insanely curious. It went beyond the typical “tom-boy” you see. This girl lived like a boy. I’d even heard her father call her names like, “Bud” instead of “Sweetheart”. My dearest and best-friend who I sadly left behind is now wonderful friends with this woman and her family. I could slap myself a thousand times for my feelings because I judged without knowing her. This child TRULY was given freedom of choice. It was not a social experiment. The child wants to be a boy. Her [his] family supports him. It’s actually endearing! But as a mother I can understand.

A mother of two boys and I want a girl!! I’d be a little heartbroken if my girl decided that she was a BOY. But with the love in my heart that I have for my children I would support her the best I could. Which is what this mother does, supports her daughter [son]. Same if one of my boys decided he’d rather be a girl. Later in life, I am sure that the kids will become crueler.  Kids are cruel no matter what. Finding flaws in a person seems to be everyone’s most treasured gift in life. As a parent we want to protect our children. Why is it that most parents will recite their child’s name over and over and rhyme it with words but to test what may take place later in life. As an example, I could never name my daughter Aisha Serena Schultz. ASS! I am trying to convince my younger brother not to name his kid Cooper as a first name. Cooper Pooper! If your last name is Cox, don’t name your daughter Sookie. So even before our children are born we are trying to protect them.

But you can only do so much. But, please, even if boys like shiny and frilly things, don’t take pictures of the kid wearing his older sister pink bikini and sure as hell don’t announce it to the entire world so that more than his peers think the boy is a bit odd.